How unexpected, or was it expected? Did everyone see this coming? I am dropping out of St. John’s after a week! Hah.
I should not dread going to class, but I did. Enough. I don’t know what I am doing but I know St. John’s is not what I should be doing. This much I figured out this week. Yes, I wasted a year waiting to return. Can you believe it? it’s been a year! A year ago I left everything and nothing to be with Shane only to have him tell me a month and some weeks later that he wanted to party and that I was too serious. Yes, I am too serious but I was too good for him.
I can’t get over the fact that a year passed, that I returned to St. John’s last week and now TO-DAY I have decided to drop out! How fucking awesome! But seriously! Is this actually happening? Yes!
I don’t belong at St. John’s, perhaps I did and had I stayed there, I would have graduated from this place but … I left and all was lost. My friends are gone. All you kids left! And I must say this: I fucking miss each and everyone of you. I know I am not good at expressing such things. But trust me, I have feelings! I have emotions! And I miss everyone that mattered. I am upset that I did not make the best out of all the moments but you should know I am glad for the experiences.
Where to now? I don’t know. I have an idea, but I can’t think about that now. I need to find a job. Santa Fe will be my home for some months then good-bye.
It’s fantastic. I am throwing my life away yet again but this time, I have a feeling there is something different, something has changed. I … I want to be happy! And everyone wants me to be happy, but this time I actually want to be happy.
I am not perfect and I stubbornly embrace my imperfections ‘cause these are the things that define me. But I do want to be happy. I’m sure someone will not be overwhelmed by my personality. I am an interesting person if I say so myself.
As for the ‘lost’ year, I learnt more in this last year than I have in my entire life. I learnt that things are always in flux – pánta réi!
I’ve learnt that I can learn on my own, that I needn’t be attached to some institution of higher learning to learn. If anything, they stiffle intellectual development.
A degree in liberal arts will not guarantee me a job nor the respect of others, nor will it make me happy. It’s all in my hands. I feel excited. New difficulties will arise, my life begins anew.
Good-bye St. John’s … you were wonderful but you are no longer my happiness. I know you’ll get over my loss … I am too positive for your walls.
I actually think! I actually reflect. I don’t like cargo cult intellectualism and that is what you honestly are. Please, don’t be offended, I found courage thanks to your asphyxiation and for this I am grateful. Now I walk away. Muah!