Today I noticed something. And suddenly, I felt like dropping to the ground and hugging my sister’s cat as if she were some sort of stuffed animal; plush and sweet. Instead, I chased two butterflies – one was chasing the other. Their acrobatics over the grass put me in euphoria. I had to give way to my instinct. I would have squealed for delight … but then, everyone would have thought me completely mad.
I like my shoes, I like how they compliment everything I wear. I’m a nerd. I like being a nerd. It’s who I am.
Ah I heard this song on the radio … it’s odd, yes, I hardly ever listen to the radio, but today was one of those exceptions. And as soon as I heard the song, I started to sing it. I have never been able to memorize a song but here I was, singing every word to this song. It’s one my favorites. I was amazed. But I felt the urge to sing, to relive that moment when I first heard the song. It was awesome.
And then, as if by divine ordination, the song was followed by a song by my favorite singer. He’s amazing. One of my friends had the opportunity to see him in concert and she was left in awe. I’m afraid that were I to see him in concert, I’d be disappointed … his music means so much to me yet no-one really knows this … I’ve never shared it with anyone because I’m quite timid about it. It’s been one of those things that I’ve kept all to myself, like some inside joke, but this one is at the expense of no-one.
Changing subjects, I noticed something. MF made a video in 1998 and here is an image of the beginning of the video:
When I first saw this video, my first thought was: “Artistic.” The video itself is not worth being watched, but the beginning is great. I still think it is artistic. I like the darkness, the morbidness. But I like what it says foremost. Here, we are presented with an MF that is showing us her present condition, i.e., in 1998. She is tied down, she is a marionette with no control over her life. The darkness implies that there is no hope … no future liberation. Perhaps.
MF returns in 2002 with her best stuff ever. Sure, it’s all a flop but the fact remains that it is, although not necessarily artistic, it is a complete expression of her person. In this video, we see her again tied down. Yet there is light … there is an open sky, an open and blue sky! There is hope … and MF proceeds to free herself. She jumps and takes charge. Yes.
Now, I realize that MF had to go through the stage of the marionette in order to reach the stage of freedom. Liberty cannot be appreciated nor fully understood unless one has savored the opposite. I am not saying that her oppression was necessary but it was necessary in order for her to reach the particular type of freedom she possesses now.
Likewise, I have come to believe that everything that has happened to me recently has been for the best. It has taught me to appreciate life more, to live it more intensely than I had before. I am more aware of those things around me. I have always been aware of who I am but I have never been quite aware of my surroundings. There is a disconnexion that now, I am rapidly trying to bridge. I am accomplishing it through saying such monotonous things as “Thank you” and “Please” but also by stopping to smell the flowers on the street and picking up some lavender, which though it does not possess the beauty and simplicity of an orchid, it has its own beauty, and placing it in my hair, which I might add, is coming along quite grand. I love it.
Yesterday, I realized that my hair has made my face look more effeminate. And I realized that even after all the admonitions that my heroes give against this, it is fine to be so. When Nietzsche vituperated against vegetarianism, did I not turn a blind eye and ignore this silly aspect of his philosophy, while warmly embracing everything else? So I am to do the same.
And it is also fine to think that certain people are stupid, especially those that I consider my friends. And what’s even better, that I don’t need to be friends with them! I don’t want stupid people around me, I don’t want idiots that cannot keep their mouth shut, that are unable to appreciate the beauty acquired from viewing things from a different angle. I don’t need friends. Blood letting is necessary and called for. I want my friends to be unique individuals that are worthy of being my friends, not some plastic, daft and trite people that have no idea of who they are. Heavens! Away with the idiots, my tolerance is over.
I’m a free spirit at heart and it’s time to push everything and everyone that is negative aside. I’m better off anyway. Positive vibes. I’m off to bed. I’m stoked.