au revoir les enfants

In the last 4 months or so, I have abandoned the habits of new, i.e., habits acquired in the last several years. I have thrown them aside for they were, to be quiet honest, unbecoming of someone like me. In their stead, old habits, i.e., those habits that have been with me since I was a wee boy, have been resurrected. I have taken them once more with the alacrity a man freshly come from the desert, moist on his lips the desire for the substance of life, accepts an offering of water.

Some say that they saw me fall. I say, “Don’t believe it.” No, what occurred was an elevation of yourself. Thus, it was not my fall that you witnessed, but your ascent. I do not wish for you to have as one of your last memories of me a fall.

I know that it is time to reawaken, to fill the veins with the warmth and substance of those friendships left in the dust. I say to y’all: “It seemed as if I were travelling beyond your reach – the distance infinitely multiplicating. But alas I was not, I was travelling the path of the Cycle and though I disappeared from the horizon, my shadow is slowly affecting its presence, soon to be followed by my image; the dénouement: the manifestation of my self (not myself) in flesh and bone.

Time passes by rather quickly; as I write this I am also closing my eyes for the last time as I prepare to trascend what was my life. But I am much pressed if I begin to think of my death. I have a lot of time, “Queda mucho por vivir.” There are many small and insignificant moments to experience!

I don’t know why I have written this … this is a mess! It suffices to say: good-bye. It’s time to ‘blossom’ as Miss Miller put it, again. I radiated enthusiasm because it was within me and the pride I felt in pushing my faculties to the limit (though I was lazy and have never truly pushed myself to the limit so by limit I mean to a minimum). And I’d pout my lip while pulling at my bangs and screaming “Gad I don’t understand Ptolemy! What’s the point of this?” and I was on to something – there is no point but the edification of the mind. I must also admit that I took some joy in having my mates say “Boy you shut him down before he could even start!” in response to my having proved someone’s whole argument flawed. But this happiness was within me – it was a result of my actions and not a result of having someone tell me “I love you.” It’s all a bunch of waffles.

And so I am off. I have decided to heed the advice given by those people that are constant in my life and love me no matter what.

I shan’t be looking back this time, until it is safe to do so … and it won’t be so until time has rendered me unaware of my distress. Ciao!

[nota bene: deleted broken image link 15 October 2013]