To-day, or was it tonight? I don’t know. I have yet to learn to say ‘tonight’ or ‘evening’ because for me, the word day constitutes everything from the moment I wake up in the morning to that moment when I close my eyes and lose myself into that other reality. Be there light or darkness, it is all sheltered under day!

But as I was saying, to-day I came to the realization that I must leave New Mexico, for there is absolutely nothing here for me. Walking is nice, but I can do that anywhere; my leg muscles have begun to take shape once more. And if I become exhausted from walking, I can simply take the subway the rest of the way. If I want to form illusions, I can do that at another place. It is not healthy being here. I am renouncing my own humanity by staying here though reading Proust has made me more observant and thus, more human in my writing. But I can read Proust anywhere! So I have thought that maybe I should start saving money. I have always wanted to live in Seattle and if it is anything like Portland, I shall love it. They also have a Jesuit school … though I suspect that were I to join a Jesuit school, I would end up a Jesuit. As a child, just as I knew that I was gay, I knew that I was an atheist but I liked to call myself a Catholic because it burned the ears of my Protestant friends. Had they asked me to tell them about Christ, I would have been at a loss. I knew the history of the Pope … of Christ I knew nothing; he was that anorexic dude on the crucifix. I had no connexion to that … that suffering remnant of humanity. I was more inclined to the portraits of the old man with the white hair with the charming smile and benevolent look in his eyes. I was a Papist. Now, we all know that the Jesuits are not really Catholic! They are too scholarly to have remained believers. Crypto-atheists perhaps?

I don’t know, honestly. I want to return to the West coast … to that land that kisses the cold, Alaskan water and drinks itself silly with fog. But I don’t want to return to San Francisco … Seattle! Whee!

When I first moved to Santa Fe, I would wake up every day and miss the ocean. Whomever would applaud the beauty of New Mexico, I would without hesitation refute. “This place has no ocean! The ocean is infinitately wonderful and magestic! You may have sunsets, but you haven’t got an ocean like my ocean.” I remember on several occasions where I was led to believe that what existed outside the ESL building was the Pacific Ocean and that once the fog had cleared, I’d be able to see it. Alas from the second floor of the ESL building, what I was actually seeing were clouds that had rolled in and what actually stood behind these was a small hill with homes, not sublime and grandiose redwoods.

I am a foreigner in a provincial town with airs of city life. But when night falls, the denizens of this place must drink themselves into a stupor in order to hide the reality. Not many things shock me or leave me in awe. I grew up around a city with excellent and efficient public transportation, decorated by one of the wonders of the world. Sorry if I find other cities inferior. Only two cities, that I have seen have impressed me: San Francisco and New York City. San Francisco doesn’t really impress me, it’s what I grew up with.

I think it’s odd that not being provincial, I was left in awe by a provincial who showed me the city life. Had I bumped my head? Had I forgotten that I have lived in a city most of my life? Had I forgotten that I had been born in a city next to the ocean? And for the majority of my life, I have never lived more than an hour away from the ocean until now. When we have something, when it belongs to us, we take it for granted. City life … I have always taken it for granted because it has been at my fingertips. Some people are easily amazed by simple things. I’m amazed by human emotion and behavior.